Allowing ourselves to take up space

what I wish I'd known when I was struggling to show up as my true self

I used to feel irritated by the phrase “take up space,” it almost made it seem like such an easy thing to do. Like you can just shift a few boxes out of the way to make a clearing for yourself and boom, you’re taking up space and feel good about it.

Despite being online for years, the vulnerability required to be fully seen as my authentic self by others has been something I’ve struggled with, in quite an all consuming way.

I’d get frustrated with myself and question how they made it look so easy. Like I was an outsider to the other humans who just some how knew how to actually take up space and show up as themselves unapologetically. Me and them.

I read all the books, listened to all the podcasts, had therapy. I wanted a quick fix, but I still felt like I was trapped in a cage, I could let out small parts of myself through the tiny holes, but nothing more for fear of not being accepted, or perfect, or enough.

I’ve come to learn, that before taking up space there’s usually a process of unlearning, healing and building self acceptance.

All the good, not hard at all, stuff.

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How a lack of self acceptance played out for me…

It’s always been there, but it got particularly bad and reared it’s head in a way I couldn’t ignore during that time we were all told to stay at home (you know the one). I was working from home at a busy and growing digital marketing agency. When asked to introduce myself to a new team member or client, I noticed I would start to go into fight or flight. My heart would race, my face would get hot. I could visibly see myself tense on Google Meet. I’d want to run. Sharing who I was and what I did at work felt like the biggest ask ever in that moment.

Another way this showed up was by making an effort to go unnoticed at all costs. I started making sure my background on work calls was plain and as uninviting as I could. I didn’t want an ounce of attention drawn to myself. I didn’t want to reveal any parts of myself, which also meant the flat I was living in at the time.

As you can imagine, this became exhausting, but potentially worse than that, isolating. Taking me further away from accepting myself. I was keeping so much of myself hidden, which was a safety and copying mechanism at the time, but it meant I also couldn’t reach the connection needed to help me heal.

An element of building self acceptance is a safe community, which is hard to build without vulnerability.

I was craving a sense of connection, but I was too closed off to allow it. I was scared of not fitting it, so did everything to exclude myself instead.

A turning point…

In 2021 I had a bit of a light bulb moment in a therapy session. After a few months my therapist helped me spot all of these behaviours that were keeping me so closed off, and what was causing them. The light bulb moment came when she said…

“it’s okay and safe for you to take up space and be seen”.

That simple statement made me realise and piece together all of these unconscious behaviours I just couldn’t understand before. Instead of questioning why, it allowed me to finally have some self compassion and sit with all of the feelings.

It was an “ahhh” moment. So that’s what I’ve been doing and the impacts it has!

Change hasn’t been an overnight thing, which don’t let Instagram fool you, it rarely is. It’s been the least linear process and feels like an uphill battle some days. The change has mostly looked like allowing myself to say yes to more. Yes to more coffee dates that might feel a little awkward, yes to training courses in areas I’m interested in, yes to giving Substack a go because if it “fails” that’s okay! Yes to doing things just for the fun of them without them having to be productive. Saying yes while feeling the fear and trusting I can deal with any consequences.

Basically saying yes to living, and taking action.

Supporting my nervous system and practicing Yoga has also been massively helpful, it’s become my safe space for me to come back to. It reminds me of everything outside of the self doubt and niggling thoughts, and most importantly the sense of connection that helps me feel whole and enough. This is exactly what I teach and share in my Yoga classes and workshops today and why I’m so passionate about the positive impacts of it.

When I reflect on this now, I feel grateful for that tiny part of me that believed I could change. The part of me that kept reading the books, kept going to therapy even though it felt like nothing was changing, kept knowing deep down that surely there was more to life.

There will be testing moments. Not everyone is going to like the truest version of you. You’re going to make mistakes. You’re probably going to feel like you can’t do it at times and that you’re only taking steps backwards.

But

keep coming back to that gold within, the tiny part of you that believes.

There’s space in the world that only you can fill.

love & gratitude,

Jodie