The EMDR Diaries #1
Complex PTSD, Childhood trauma, EMDR & finally booking that first session
Welcome to the first edition of The EMDR Diaries, where I bring you, the reader, along with me for the highs and lows of Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) for trauma. For most of my life I’ve felt alone in my struggles, I’ve wondered what was wrong but never quite being able to put my finger on it. I know it’s the same for many of us, so it’s my hope these diaries are a comfort, or maybe more simply an insight into life as an adult post traumatic childhood experiences.
This is for paid subscribers only. Thanks for coming along for the ride and supporting my writing, it really does mean the world. ❤️
TW: Whilst I don’t go into specifics, in this diary entry I talk about childhood trauma and therapy.
I stopped having talking therapy back in March. After what ended up being nearly a 3 year stint I felt like I needed to breathe, have a summer without constantly visiting my feelings or being on a quest to heal. I just wanted to be, exist, and honestly see if I could cope without it.
Maybe the talking therapy was working and I just needed to be in my present reality more without revisiting so much of the past?
After a couple of months, the quest for answers crept in again. Atleast once I’d take to Google with a frantic search. I was looking for answers. I knew something didn’t feel right, that my natural baseline shouldn’t be this sense of anxiety about life when so much of my present day felt steady and full of safety.
I knew I needed further support to make a change. Despite wanting to be okay and almost feeling like I should, I wasn’t.
The Google searches were varied, it was a new quest to find a label that would explain the symptoms that, granted, had softened over time with the therapy, but still lingered… The self loathing, anxiety in social situations, a sense of hopelessness that came about far too often.
I’ve spent most of my 20’s trying to heal, why do I still feel like this?