A dark side to self development
my complicated relationship with the personal development movement
I have a complicated relationship with self development.
In many ways, I’ve gained so much from the hundreds of non-fiction books I’ve devoured, the hours of wellness podcasts. I studied Psychology and since graduating I felt like self help content in any format fed my fascination into how humans work.
Then, when it comes to actually applying it, the part of me that wants to be perfect and feels like I’m not already enough laps it up. The strict routines and formulas set to make you feel your best like a safety blanket over old wounds.
The step by step routines easier to dive into instead of the deep healing work that’s often messy and not linear…
Who wouldn’t choose the promises offered by self development over that?
It’s complicated, because unlike those things we know are typically doing us more harm than good, the premise of it is that it’s an act of care.
I recently listened to this podcast episode with
, it’s an older ep but she touches on the overwhelming barrage of information we receive on the best way to live a life, and it still rings true today, if not even more so. also shares how she’s breaking up with self development content in a recent YouTube video. It seems like a few of us are feeling the weight of this and the impacts it’s having on our wellbeing and sense of Self, despite claiming the opposite.Unlocking our inner potential, reaching heights that will make us feel successful, becoming that best version of ourselves.
I think we’re starting to see through the cracks with that type of self development, the stuff that’s obviously all about optimisation as it meshes with toxic productivity with its slogans and badges of honour… but what about the more subtle stuff?
The small ways we’re told to live our best life, with so many different options and choices.
It’s so overwhelming right?!
Ultimately I feel like some of it comes down to intention, and for a long time, mine came from this feeling of not being enough, with the thought that learning more about self development was sure to fill that gap. We get so entangled in it that we actually forget to live life. To read fiction and get lost in a story, take long walks and stop off at a random pub for dinner without worrying about calories or what’s on the menu, to paint or draw without it having to be a specific mindfulness activity, to learn to garden and fail along the way, allow ourselves an ice cream after a warm summers day.
To just live, without overanalysing the outcome or it having to provide future gain.
My desire to live a slower more simple life came from acting out hustle culture and these wellbeing extremes. Another confusing element is that there’s no denying that taking good care of yourself is a good thing, but it’s exploring where that desire comes from, and knowing what’s best for you individually.
I’d realise after being lost in a particular way of living or wellness trend that that’s exactly why I was drawn to it, a way to get lost in another distraction, dressed up as something that will do me good.
The idea that we’re never quite enough, that there’s always something else to improve. Sneakily I’d be slowly convinced that living fully in alignment with one idea, one self development concept is the key to feeling my best instead of going inwards and exploring my own intuition.
The quotes that remind us “you’re not a self improvement project” don’t cut it when we’re forever being told, subliminally, that really, we are.
Insourcing our sense of wellbeing and Self
I spent years outsourcing and looking for answers from anyone and everyone. So much so, I forgot to even check in with myself and see what actually made me feel good.
I really don’t think all of the self help/ personal development industry is bad. As I mentioned at the beginning, it’s introduced me to helpful concepts and ideas, it’s just not ideal for those of us that already have those tendencies to want to fix. If you’re needing to do the inner child stuff and build your sense of Self it feels like a promise land, but really, it can quite quickly become just another distraction.
It would be ironic for me to round this off with a list of ways I’m actually feeling better in myself, so I’ll spare you that. However, feeling more secure in myself, and the things I always wanted from those books, podcasts and “gurus” has come from intense therapy (especially EMDR), support and being vulnerable with others, and actually thinking less about how I can better myself, and more about how I can support myself.
For me, I found too much self development tipped over into the realm of toxic productivity, this obsession with achievements that followed me around at school and in the workplace finally making its way over to me as an individual. It also became another thing to shame myself with, a whole other thing in itself that I’m still untangling and realising just how deep it can run (more on that here).
I saw this quote today and it really resonated and felt like a good place to end on... And a question that helps me put my thoughts about this and choices into perspective…
What would you want for the 6 year old version of yourself? Does your version of self development and self talk around it reflect that?
If you can hard relate or something resonates I’d love to hear your thoughts and chat about this in the comments…
Until next week,
Jodie x
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Really resonate with everything you’ve said here! Big advocate for taking what works for you and leaving the rest. Particularly loved the part about doing what will support you best versus “bettering yourself” - thank you for sharing Jodie!
Hard relate! I experienced similar with the ‘healing’ culture that runs alongside chronic illness; even when it seems on the surface that it’s there to deeply help, it’s often another path to trying to ‘fix’, but it’s wearing a cloak of deception. And of course, it’s a path that becomes never enough/ending!