learning that we're already enough
self doubt, negative self talk and getting back to our core of being enough
A few weeks back, for the first new moon of 2024, I took to Instagram with a question box asking “is there anything you’d like to release?”.
The top answer… self doubt. Self doubt at work, in relationships, in general.
It got me thinking about my own self doubt, periods of low self-esteem and how that feeling of not being enough can quite quickly trickle down into everything we do.
Research shows self doubt specifically involves questioning our own self-competence (Braslow, Guerrettaz, Arkin, & Oleson, 2012).
So, how do we actually release it? How do we soften, and quiet that voice that tells us we’re not good enough, not enough in general? This isn’t a step by step guide, but my experience with self-doubt, and how I’ve started to cultivate a different feeling in its place.
Over the years my self doubt morphed into overachieving, distraction and a need for external validation. When I think about what really led to my burnout, the root is within self doubt, this constant striving that felt out of my control.
Striving to be productive, to say the right thing, to be accepted, belong, be perfect. Striving to be enough in every aspect of my life.
I remember a therapist I started seeing during the pandemic say “you must be exhausted”. Honestly, I’d never stopped to think about it. Living on auto-pilot was the norm for me.
In that moment I stopped to feel how heavy the weight of carrying this really was. The physical tension that manifested in my shoulders. Muscles in knots after years of second guessing, hustling. I remember thinking and saying that survival mode was just how I operated, my rushed way of moving through the world, never quite able to tick everything off the list. Was that really the problem?
When I think about this striving and where it came from (thanks to the help of therapists), at its core, for me at least, was feeling unloveable.
The cocktail of trauma and a society constructed around us needing to be doing more made trusting that I’m enough bloomin’ hard work.
I haven’t found a better way to describe a healing journey, it makes me feel abit cringe saying it (how else do you refer to a period of conscious change and undoing?). Anyway, for the past 4 years I’ve been slowly, consciously chipping away at this feeling of being unloveable and not enough. I’m in the process of tending to myself and listening to what I need instead of turning towards doing more.
This is why I felt so drawn to living more mindfully and experimenting with the concept of slow living. I knew deep down that no achievement, amount of likes on Instagram, getting thinner, gaining more Substack subscribers, earning more money or any form external gratification would truly satisfy me. Despite trying, they never led me to truly believe I was enough, or had done enough!
I had to go inwards, and I continue to have to make the time to do so every single day.
Wellness culture and fast paced Instagram reels suggest self doubt can be soothed following “5 simple steps”, reading personal development books, or a morning routine that provides calm to set you up for the day.
There is something to be said for the choices we can make as individuals when it comes to our own wellbeing, and how the wisdom from others can support us deeply, but, for me self doubt runs deeper. I also realised I was even using those individualistic acts of self care as part of my distraction from actually feeling my feelings (honestly, a pretty genius disguise if you ask me).
Something common that happens for those with childhood trauma is not really knowing who you are to your core. Coping mechanisms and operating in survival mode are like thick bubble wrap, there to protect you, but equally making it hard to know what’s at the centre, making it easier to just look outside of yourself for answers instead.
I’ve had to reconnect with who I am beyond that.
I’d say a fair bit of this also came from years spent sharing online and aligning with trends and capitalism in general. The exhaustion made it easier to follow what everyone else was doing, wearing, eating, reading. To become a clone. After all, showing up as what’s expected leaves less room for self questioning - at least I thought so at the time.
In order to feel enough, I had to allow myself to be. To sit with and move through the discomfort, but more than that, to be curious, give myself time to rest (which was so difficult at first and something I still have to consciously do), re-align and think about my values. To do the stuff that feels scary (like writing this Substack).
Who am I when I strip away the person I think I should be?
It’s a massive process of re-learning that I’m still in the midst of.
Through therapy, my Yoga practice, talking, journaling, sharing, doing the things that feel hard, and sitting with the discomfort, I’m slowly but surely making dents. I’m piercing the bubble wrap and understanding who I am. I’m acting more from my true Self instead of this version I think I need to be, which seems to correlate with decreasing some of that pesky self doubt.
In Trusting The Gold, Tara Brach says
The gold of our true nature can never be tarnished. No matter how it might get covered over or disguised by feelings of anger, deficiency, or fear, our awareness remains radiant and pure. In the moments of remembering and trusting this basic goodness of our Being, the grip of “something’s wrong” dissolves.
How gorgeous is that ❤️
Throughout this process, it’s been a comfort knowing that we’re not born not feeling enough. At our core, enough is there, waiting for us to reconnect with it.
I know there won’t be a day I magically no longer experience not even a slither of self doubt. It’s a part of being human. An example of where it’s showing up most for me is around the idea of starting a family. Other people seem to worry about the practical elements, for me, it’s always been whether I’d be enough. How intense self doubt would rear its head when I’m sleep deprived, overstimulated and feel stretched. I’d say over the past couple of months, I’ve thankfully seen this soften, especially since starting EMDR, but it’s still there, and still something I have to sit with.
When that thought creeps in, I try to remind myself that by doing the hard things, having challenges and changes in life helps to squash it. They become little proof points that I CAN do the things, we all can.
My word for the year is hope, which is inspired by going into whatever this year brings trusting instead of questioning it. To soften and know I’m still worthy. To be imperfect and know I’m loved regardless of it. That we all are.
I’m trusting, and finally realising, that being enough isn’t about achieving a certain label. It doesn’t mean I’ve people pleased, bought something new, tried hard enough or done my best - it’s trusting that I was already, regardless. It doesn’t mean that we’re flawless or will never make a mistake. It’s embracing even the most paintful, shameful parts, meeting them with compassion. Then when society or our minds question that, coming back to it, again and again and again.
Love & gratitude,
Jodie x
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This is gorgeous, and echos my current state. We see the Pinterest posters saying “you are enough” and they feel like words on a screen. To actually feel enough is like sitting down on a soft yet hard, warm yet cold rock. It feels gorgeous but also unnerving because we’ve been told (by ourselves) that we need to be more and more and more. But it’s ok to just sit down. Feel emotions. Be in the moment. Be still. Know you’re not fine as you are or perfect or whatever - you just are, and that’s enough 💖
This was such a wonderful and resonating post. I'm saving it to reread when I have one of those days in which I feel both "not enough" and "too much" all at once.