When self care feels like the hardest thing to do

getting round to my new years intention 10 months later...

Hello, I’m Jodie. A Yoga teacher & wellbeing creator/ writer. I write about life post burnout with themes of rest, living slower, self discovery, Yoga & more. Please subscribe to support my work & to read more. You can join my free monthly journaling club and also find me on YouTube and Instagram.

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Earlier this year I set the intention to join a gym. For a while I’d known moving my body in an intuitive, but also more vigorous way (aka, not just practicing slow flow Yoga) ultimately makes my mind feel lighter. I was missing the dopamine hit, the feeling of being strong. I knew giving myself access to a space dedicated to that was something I needed as an act of self care, and ultimately an act of kindness to myself.

January passed, then February and before I knew it, we had 2 months left of the year.

One part of me knew how life enhancing joining a good gym could be, yet the other side told me so many stories that led to a 10 month delay.

I think a few things were at play…

1. Being newly self employed and wanting to change as little as possible to keep a sense of control over my life at that moment in time.

2. A whole lot of fear. Fear of facing the fact my fitness levels have declined, fear of working less in those early freelance days and “loosing everything”, fear of feeling like the new person in a space and the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that come with that.

3. My comfort zone has got smaller! Since the pandemic like so many I’ve stayed working from home, although it’s become my preferred way of working, naturally as times gone on I’m finding it increasing harder to explore new things. I guess I’ve spent so much time at home, it feels safer to stay here.

4. Preconceived notions of what a “gym goer” looks like. My early 20’s were filled with intense non-intuitive workouts, and I’d kind of grown to wrongly associate that with gym. I made the excuse that I didn’t belong there.

I was meant to be joining the gym to feel good, not riddled with fear and what if’s.

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Whilst on holiday last month (combined with afternoon naps) we swam, ran, walked and hiked… Honestly, it was glorious! Not the fear based version of the gym I’d built up in my head.

I remember coming out of the pool with a sense of euphoria and ease. It was a moment where the scales tipped, the goodness that came from moving my body outweighed the fear. It was the reminder I needed that actually, it feels worse not doing the thing than working through the worries that come with it.

So, a week into being home, once the mounds of washing was done and I’d got over the jet lag, I finally made the call. I had a walk around to double check it’s what I wanted to do… And I signed up.

I’ve been a couple of times this week, and despite my ego being a pretty loud, I feel like I’m slowly watching the fears and worries soften. Walking back to my car after the first session I honestly felt a sigh of relief. Finally, despite the fear, it’s chosen to do what was best for me.

The reminder too that self care and typical “wellness” activities can be done on my terms and feel empowering in the process.

“Self care is identifying your choices and making decisions that align with your values,”

~ Pooja Lakshmin

There’s no strict goals or a plan to follow. I initially signed up for 3 months, but as the sessions go on I’m feeling more confident it will end up being a 12 month commitment.

It feels like more than a commitment to the gym, it’s one of easing myself out of my comfort zone, re-learning to make more time for what feels good and experimenting with that. A reminder that our minds can be excellent at talking us out of things, and often something that’s out of the norm in our routines may feel sketchy, but that doesn’t always mean I need to delay.

Have you had a similar experience when it comes to self care?

If you found this post useful or have used the commitment contract and enjoyed it I would be so so grateful if you shared it or restacked it. It helps other people find the Slower Space community! Thank you.